Grin It and Bare It
by Chemical-King
Summary: Greg uses his newfound riches to open up a nudist retreat and invites the townspeople for a fun and relaxing weekend sans clothes. But shenanigans ensue; from an unknown beast stalking the campgrounds to a mysterious marauder swooping, everyone's vacation has been turned upside down! Looks like Steven and his friends will have to solve their problems without the Gems or their pants
1. Greg Opens Up Shop

Nearly two decades ago, Greg Universe wrote the hit song "Like a Comet". Rather than strike the iron while it was hot, the budding musician instead decided to settle down in the tourist trap town of Beach City and strike a relationship with the mysterious Crystal Gem known as Rose Quartz. Desperate to make a profit, his manager Marty licensed out the song to a fast food chain called Pepe's Burgers, where the song managed to gain popularity and rake in some cash. Flash forward fourteen years later; Marty would later give Greg millions of dollars in his earned royalties for the song, partly out of the goodness of his heart…but mostly because Marty's lawyers advised it.

After using some money to celebrate at Empire City, Greg pondered what to do with the rest of the money. Aside from living expenses and online courses for Steven, he still had plenty of money to spend for himself. He was alright with living in his van, he had no need for jewels and major electronics and he didn't know a thing about stocks. Greg pondered this for a while and then it hit him; he would start his own nudist resort. He enjoyed sleeping in the nude during the really hot nights and read the occasional naturist magazine from time to time, so he figured he might as well take a chance if he had the money. Worst case scenario, he could sell the place for cheap and get his money back.

Getting cleared for the land turned out to be hardest part. Greg had to face opposition from Mayor Dewey, who tried to appeal to the townspeople that a nudist resort was unbecoming of the town's name. Fortunately for Greg, the people of Beach City were completely in favor of a nudist resort being built nearby. Not wanting to face any further backlash, Dewey quickly changed his tune and happily allowed the resort to be built; after all, he needed to make sure his re-election was in the bag and didn't want his fellow citizens upset. Once the mayor bent to public opinion, Greg got the clearance for the land he needed, the actual construction of the resort was fairly smooth. With the help of Steven and the other Crystal Gems, Greg was able cut down on time and money while sticking to regulations. Within a couple of months, the resort ready to open for business.

The day before the grand opening, Greg walked around his resort, talking it all in. His silly little idea was now a reality and the middle-aged, semi-retired musician couldn't help but feel a sense of pride swell within him. He thought of all the ways he'd make his investment work, from spreading the word around to hosting special events. 'This is gonna work,' Greg thought to himself.

"Alright, I just double checked the lodges. We are officially up to code and pass inspection with flying colors," Pearl said, walking up to Greg with a clipboard in her hand.

"All the food and snacks are prepped up more or less," Amethyst shouted, munching on a bag of corn chips.

"And the beds and pool is ready," stated Garnet. "I personally tested the Jacuzzi. Not my thing, but I think it's just warm enough for humans."

"I can't thank you guys enough. You've done me such a big favor and it shows. The place looks great!" gushed Greg, admiring the Gem's handiwork throughout the resort.

"It's the least we could do," Pearl said before a small frown formed on her face. "Although why humans would engage in unclothed activities on purpose is beyond me. Mankind worked its way from loincloths to three piece suits just to go back to nudity? Wouldn't the weather be a problem?"

"What Pearl is trying to say is that we wish we could join in but this mission is important," Garnet interceded, saving face for the team. "I hope you don't mind Steven staying behind."

"Mind? Garnet I would never mind hanging out with my own son," beamed Greg at the mention of Steven. "Lord knows the poor kid could use a staycation-or nakation given where we are-after what he goes through on the daily. Plus I could use the extra help with running the place."

"Don't think you Universes are all alone on this," a voice called not far from them.

Strolling up to the group wearing overalls and a plain white shirt was Vidalia, former groupie and Greg's closest friend. Coincidentally (or not), she was also named co-owner of the resort.

"I'm not going to let my half of the joint go to hell just yet. Yellowtail, the boys, and I are going to pitch and do our fair share. Make this a real family oriented place, you know? So try not stress out about Steven or work too much."

"Really, you guys are the best. You all made this crazy idea a reality. If it wasn't for you guys, I'd probably just given up and blown the money on flat screens and ramen noodles. We made something very special here. And with any luck, everyone will feel the way I'm feeling tomorrow."

Greg glanced around at everyone and couldn't help notice a certain someone was missing from the conversation. "Hey has anyone seen Shtu-Ball?"

As if on cue, yelling erupted from the resort as Steven Universe came running to them, Vidalia's son Onion right alongside him, the two of them wearing shocked and wide eyed expressions on their faces. The two boys stood and tried catching their breaths, to the utter bewilderment of the adults before them.

"Uh…Steven, where's the fire bud? What's with all the running and screaming?" asked Greg, concerned for the young lad.

Steven panted a bit before regaining his composure and replying to his father cheerfully. "Oh, just had some trouble with a raccoon digging through the trash. Onion tried to scare it off and…things went south. It tried to attack us and we just ran. Not our proudest moment…"

"Scaring the animals away are we now?" Vidalia narrowed her eyes at Onion and put her hands on her hips. "Didn't we learn from the possum incident young man?" Onion simply stared off in another direction and whistled a tune, trying to play innocent.

"Oh, I almost forgot! Before that little incident, I managed to see the sign Lapis and Peridot were working on. I think it should be finished by now."

"Well what are we waiting for?" Amethyst piped up, rustling Steven's hair. "Let's go see the handiwork!" With that, the group hurried over to the sign planted right next to the entrance. Sure enough, the green and blue Gems were adding the final details to their work.

"Hey Steven. Hey guys," Lapis greeted in a calm voice. "Salutations to you all," Peridot chirped enthusiastically. "I see you came to observe our latest meep morp as contribution to Greg's shirt optional resort. After several pain-staking hours, we came up with a design that will appease those seeking to expose themselves to the harsh elements. " Lapis merely shrugged, "It's nothing much. Just a little side project we hope you'll like."

"Let's take a good look at it then," smiled Garnet. The rest of the group expressed their eagerness for Peridot and Lapis' "meep morp".

"Very well then," Peridot said, striking a dramatic pose. "Without further ado, I present to you Meep Morp Number 108: A Favor for a Friend."

Stepping aside, the two gems revealed what they worked on. It was a canvas covered in bright colors, greens, blues, purples and oranges splashed about in every corner and in every conceivable angle. In the middle of it was a vague depiction of what appeared to be a red bear, lumpy, chubby looking and yet managing to be appealing. To the right-hand side was the name of Greg's resort, Bear Buns Naturist Resort.

The group stood in awe, admiring the sign's artwork and giving kudos to the artists. "Well I can definitely dig the art. It's the very definition of far out," critiqued Vidalia, "and yet, I can't help but feel that the name is too on the nose."

Greg scratched the back of his neck and sheepishly responded, "What can I say? A crazy idea deserves a crazy name. It sounded better when I first came up with it in my head."

"Well, now that everything is set up and the resort has been properly christened," Pearl spoke up, checking off the remaining items off her list, "you all are set for tomorrow's grand opening. Best of luck with this new venture Greg."

"On the contraire," Greg said while raising a finger, "it's not christened until we show our derriere. Since we don't open till tomorrow, we might as well be the first to enjoy the clothing optional part of the place."

"I thought you'd never ask," Vidalia chimed in, already undoing the straps of her overalls. "How about we strip down on the count of three? Make it a group thing, keeps it all the more special."

Counting slowly to three, all four of them removed outer clothing until they reached to their undergarments. Once they reached three, the humans and the Gem hybrid shook off their underwear and flung it in the air like graduation caps.

Elated, Steven began jumping around and tapping his feet. "Whoa! Now that's what I call freedom! It feels like the whole world is giving me a hug right now!"

"Ah, enjoy the feeling kiddo. We're all going to be enjoying it this weekend," Greg assured, taking in the breeze flowing over his bare skin.

While the four enjoyed their newfound freedom and discussed how the weekend would pan out, the Gems simply looked at them, amused by their antics.

"Humans are such curious creatures," Pearl stated. "They never cease to amaze me with how contradicting they can be and yet…so happy."

"It's what we're fighting for," Garnet quipped, a relaxed grin on her face.

Amethyst rubbed her chin, deep in thought. "Hey, how come we don't ever get naked? People seem to enjoy it enough to make entire resorts and campgrounds for it. I wanna lose my skivvies too!"

"Well as you know, we're basically hard light constructs given a humanoid form," explained Pearl, "This includes the outfits that come attached to said forms. So to be naked in the same sense that Greg and Steve are right now, we simply have to shape shift to a nude form. No clothing removal necessary."

Amethyst pondered this for a bit then concluded, "So if our outfits are just another part of our bodies and we just need to shape shift to change them, does that mean that we've actually been naked all this time?"

Pearl started to interject but stopped as Amethyst's words started truly sinking in. Indeed, the rest of the Crystal Gems stood in silence as the same realization dawned on them, unable to refute or contradict the purple gem's logic.

"Well," deadpanned Lapis, "that's just indecent."


	2. The Frymans Check In

For the first time in 18 years of serving fries and the appropriate condiments nonstop to the peckish citizens and tourists of Beach City, Richard Fryman was finally closing up his shop for the weekend and taking a vacation.

After the entire hubbub over opening a nude resort near Beach City, Fryman couldn't help but feel a little curious about nudism. After doing some research, Richard discovered that clothing optional resorts were actually much more wholesome than Mayor Dewey made them out to be. Not only were they fun and relaxing but they were relatively cheaper than regular vacationing spots. Convinced that Greg was doing the right thing, the Fryman patriarch voiced his support in favor of the resort. Once the mayor changed his mind and construction proceeded ahead, Richard began planning for his long overdue vacation.

The biggest problem to tackle was the issue of his two sons, Ronaldo and Peedee. Given that one was a conspiracy nut who spent most of his time coped up in an old lighthouse and the other was a depressed college student trapped in the body of a preteen, convincing them to go would be struggle on par with bubbling a Gem monster.

Letting them stay home alone was immediately out of the question. After the Ronaldo Incident of Three Summers Ago, Richard knew better than to give them the house to themselves, lest his insurance skyrocket. So he tried slipping the idea by them as stealthily as he could, usually bringing up the subject of family vacations during breakfast and fun campgrounds during evening television, hoping to get a bit. Unfortunately for Richard, he never bothered to close his browser tabs, meaning his research was open to both Fryman brothers. And with the nudist resort being a common talking point throughout town, it didn't take much for them to put two and two together. So any talk of vacations was met with a resounding "No" from the two boys. Desperate to make his vacation happen, Richard had no choice but to fall on his last resort, the one card he didn't want to play; his ex-wife, Julianne.

As flighty and as aggressive as Julianne could be, the woman still loved her sons and had a spacious condo that the boys can hang out in. And sure enough, once he brought up the boys in their phone call, Julianne squealed in delight and went on about she'd just love to have Peedee and Ronnie over. Then she just had to go on how they would love her new boyfriend Cilantro and his new car and his personal gym. Richard merely gritted his teeth, trying to hide his distaste for ex-wife's latest beau of the month. Of course, he had to play his cards right; he didn't know how she'd react to him going to a nudist resort and didn't want to explain his reasons or why their sons were so opposed to a vacation. So he carefully omitted that part from his story and just said that it was something so boring, Ronaldo and Peedee would rather sit it out. If listening to Julianne compliment her new boyfriend's abdominals meant he could get away with some half truths, then so be it.

Once she finally shut up about the wonders of having a fitness trainer for a boyfriend, they were able to agree on a date and time for her to pick up the boys. With everything set, Richard seemingly had nothing but rest and relaxation to look forward to.

The night before Bear Buns Naturist Resort opened to the public, Richard was at home, preparing his luggage for tomorrow. After throwing a towel, a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, flip flops and his phone charger into a small backpack, he was finally ready for vacation time. "Man, if I always have to pack this light, I am in love with this resort already," Richard thought to himself.

Suddenly, his phone went off right in his pocket. Curious as to who could be calling at this hour, Richard reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone, squinting to see the name. His heart dropped to his stomach when he saw who it was; Julianne. Richard quickly pressed "answer" and put the phone to his ear, spitting out a quick "Hello?"

"Oh Richard I hate to spring this up on you. But there's been a change in plans," Julianne said. "My mother came down with a nasty case of shingles and is hospitalized. Now don't worry, the doctor said it's nothing critical and she should be up and about in a few days. But Cilantro and I are going to have to stay with her awhile. You'll have to take the boys with you."

"W-What's this now?! Uh…uh…but Julianne you have to take them! They've been looking forward to this all week. You know, spending time with you and Cilantro and his dumbbell collection. Plus it will give them a chance to bond with their grandmother. Come on, I'm supposed by out by tomorrow morning!"

This set her off. She immediately got defensive and brought up all the times she had to sacrifice for them and how she couldn't count on him for this one thing. Realizing the minefield he got himself into, he carefully navigated through the situation, assuring that everything was fine and the kids coming along was no problem and encouraged her to visit her mother with her hot new boyfriend. He had to cut her off when she brought up how Cilantro would never treat her this way.

Letting out a groan, Richard Fryman realized he had to be the one to break the news to his sons. Creeping out from his bedroom, he saw them watching TV downstairs, none the wiser about the situation at hand.

"Hey guys? Your mom called and there's been a slight change of plans."

Fast forward to the Fryman family loaded up into a car and heading to Bear Buns, with neither the elder nor the younger brother happy about the trip.

"You know, I get that mom was busy, but you could have at least left me behind. It's not like I'm the one who ever gets into trouble," Peedee sullenly stated. "There's a reason we call it the Ronaldo Incident, not the Me Incident."

"I distinctly remember you being at that particular incident and you not calling the fire department until the last minute," Mr. Fryman shot back, eyes glued to the road. "It won't be so bad. Think of it like going to camp mixed in with taking a bath. It's all the fun of your usual resort without clothes getting in the way. Plus I already spent the money to rent a cabin and closed up shop for the weekend, so there's no going back now."

"What I can't believe is how you callously ripped me away from my hard work and research! Just so we can hang around like buck naked savages?" Ronaldo ranted, being melodramatic and as over the top as possible. "My watchers deserve better than this!"

"There's free wi-fi at the resort," Richard replied, eyes never leaving the road.

"On the other hand, even the biggest truth seeker needs a break every once in a while," Ronaldo said, completely changing his tone, "and in this humidity, the less clothes the better."

After the grumbling had settled down, the family of three eventually arrived at Bear Buns. Upon parking, taking down their luggage and entering the main resort, they found none other than Steven and Greg Universe, completely au naturel, with Greg just wearing a red fanny pack. Mortified, Peedee tried to look away as politely as he could, still not comfortable with the human body in all its glory. Richard rolled his eyes at his son's behavior, not really seeing the big deal given that they were all men here. Ronaldo was just trying to figure out how Steven managed to fit a gem that big in his belly button.

"Welcome to Bear Buns Naturist Resort, Beach City's very first nudist retreat!" Steven welcomed them as theatrically as he could muster. "We'll be hosting you for the weekend. I see we'll be taking a Fryman party of three for today."

"Thank you for the opening ceremony Schtu-Ball. And hello to you Richard," Greg greeted more calmly. "I see you decided to bring the boys along."

"Yeah, some things popped up and the kiddos ended up here. Hope you don't mind the extra visitors."

"Hey, the more the merrier, right?" Greg chuckled as he reached into his fanny pack. After some rummaging, Greg pulled out a key and handed it to Richard. "Your cabin number is five. Enjoy your stay!"

Thanking Greg and with key in hand, the Fryman family headed towards their suite. Passing by all the modest and quant looking cabins, Richard spotted the one with the five by the doorway. Upon entering the cabin, they found the inside to be small but not cramped and good sized for a family of three. The living room and kitchenette were all well furnished, complete with a couch, a minifridge, a stove, a microwave, and a TV. A little bit beyond, they could make out a bathroom and two bedrooms.

Richard gave a whistle upon seeing where they would be staying for the weekend. "Nice digs."

"It is a pretty good looking cabin," Peedee admitted. "Almost makes you forget it's for nudists."

"Spoil sport," quipped Richard as he headed to the bathroom. "You guys put your bags away and make yourselves at home. I'm gonna go get changed."

"Make ourselves at home? Who's he kidding?" Peedee scoffed, "So what's the plan Ronaldo? Play Uno until one of us get frustrated and then watch a late night…"

Peedee stopped short as soon as he noticed that Ronaldo was spontaneously and completely undressed and fitting a pair of night vision goggles over his head.

"That's going to have to wait little bro. A new environment means new discoveries to be made and I'll be damned if I miss out on any potential leads. I'll have to go into my most natural element for this trip so as to not arouse any suspicion."

"Right, because there's nothing suspicious about a guy wearing night vision goggles during the day," Peedee sarcastically replied.

Just then, the Fryman patriarch stepped out of the bathroom, humming a little song, changed into his birthday suit and carrying a towel with a hot potato emblazoned on it. He then noticed his two sons, particularly the oldest one wearing night vision gear. Richard sighed and then faced Ronaldo.

"I'm not going to ask. We're here to have fun, so you do you. Just…don't get us kicked out of here, okay?"

"You have my word than I'll be responsible with my investigation."

Satisfied with that answer, Richard then turned to Peedee, "I get you don't want to be here. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. This place comes with free cable, so just kick back and chill for a bit. Does that sound good to you?"

Peedee paused for a bit then gave a small smile. "Yeah, sounds good?"

With everything settled, the two older Frymans headed out to enjoy their day while the youngest one flopped onto the couch and picked up the remote.

"Shingles isn't all that bad if you stopped to think about it. You at least get free Jell-O," Peedee thought to himself as he flipped channels.


End file.
